Crock Rockin’ Beets: Cran-Tard Pork

Let me first thank my friend who got me a crock pot as a housewarming present, along with four plastic freezer mugs that have little footballs on the side (great for Sundays!). While I’m thankful for everyone’s generosity, some would say the pot looks even better when compared to other gifts: a free book on mortgages from someone’s work, someone’s rear-view window ornament, and a DVD someone accidentally bought for themselves without knowing a better, special edition existed. Here’s the recipe for Nathan’s Cran-Tard Pork:

1-16oz Can of Cranberry Sauce
4 Tbs. Dijon Mustard
3 Tbs. Fresh Lemon Juice
3 Tbs. Brown Sugar
3 Pork Tenderloins
1 Lb. Beets

Notice, the beets are optional. I only include them in all my recipes so the clever title of these columns make sense - and the eventual name of the book as well, Crock Rockin’ Beets: 101 Recipes to Improve Your Health with a Crock Pot and Beets. Anyway, take all the ingredients above and mix them with a wooden spoon. When you are done, it should look like three alien slugs from the 1986 movie Night of the Creeps soaking in a vat of fetal liquid.

After ten hours of cooking on low, it should look even worse, but will taste amazing - a marinated, loose-meat heaven.

Send Her Back ... to France!

I get so tired of the French bashing us at every turn. Just ten months or so ago the French did something that we didn’t like and I’m sick of it. That’s why I’ve started an online petition. It’s a petition to give back the Statue of Liberty. That’s right, I said it. Now you act.

http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/return_lady_liberty

Read the petition. Get informed. Sign the petition so that we as a country can unite. This’ll show the French that we hate them and that they better stop. This shit must end. Draw a line in the sand.

Little Icecube News Drinks: The Dirty Nathan

1/2 Part Diet Vanilla Pepsi
1/2 Part Milk
Add Vodka to Taste

Stir and add little icecubes for coldness. Warning: If you like drinks that give you signals to “slow down” or “stop” because you are drinking too much of them, this is not for you. A Dirty Nathan will sneak up behind you. It may also give you superhuman strength, though, as I have recently discovered there is a chance you will wake up in bed with a toilet handle clutched in one hand. Also, some people have warned if you like drinks that “taste good” this may not be for you.

Is That Blood?

This is the first in a series, I hope, to ask the above question... so anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night a few weeks ago, and typically, could not fall asleep again. So I took the opportunity to heat up a foot-long, chicken-parm from Subway. Then I ate it while looking at pictures of baby animals. I was probably too tired to think about napkins so I wiped my hands on my underwear. The next morning I stopped in my tracks as I walked through the bathroom and thought to myself, “Is that blood?” Of course, it was only smears of marinara sauce all over my shorts. It took me a few moments to realize this, during which time I also said to myself, “Yes, it’s blood – it finally happened.” This is the most disturbing part to me because I don’t know what “it” refers to, but I am apparently expecting “it” to happen someday which will leave me with no memory and blood all over my boxer briefs.

Blogging for Photos Erotiqué

I have no problem with stuffed animals. In fact, I have purchased a karate outfit for one stuffed bear and some knickers for another, neither of them mine. Once, I went into Build-a-Bear and a girl asked me if I needed some help. I replied, "Just shopping for a friend." I had meant a human acquaintence of mine who owned a stuffed animal, but by the look on her face then and later when I was buying the pint-sized boxer briefs, she obviously thought I was talking about my "best friend in the world" - like maybe a stuffed monkey named Pepsi sitting on my couch waiting for me to get home with his present. It didn't even bother me that much. What does bother me is the teddy bear sitting on a bookshelf in the classroom full of children at the school I work. She needs some underwear.

Blogging For Apples

Both of you may have noticed the layout has changed. This should make it a little easier to post, shaving at least a few minutes off the process, which in turn should increase the output from nothing to something.

Congratulations to Kevin, our Monkey of the Week author, and his new kid, Sarah 2. Not a monkey. Yet.